forgiveness

Forgiveness if a funny thing, really. The Dalai Lama says that we must forgive but never forget....that we must withhold negative feelings towards those who have wronged us & that we cannot hold the weight of a grudge. He says that holding a grudge is unhealthy & will break us down...or something like that.

Mom talked to my Aunt today for about 3 hours. My aunt suspected that I was not going to be out of town & had told her husband that she thought I just wasn't coming to her house on Christmas Eve because of what had happened at the wedding. (shocking!) Her husband told her that she needed to talk to my mom about what the truth was...maybe she should've talked to me instead, but whatever. At least he encouraged her to talk to someone about it all. In the meantime, I told Mom that I refused to lie anymore & was essentially hurt by the fact that she continued to do so. I felt like she was protecting my Aunt & not standing up for what is right. Selfish on my part, probably.

So Mom talked to her today at work. She basically indicated that she has played the entire event out many times in her head & of course she said the oh so typical "if I could take it back I would, but I can't." Don't we all wish that we could have a re-do? Basically, she said that she was hurt that her ex husband & his wife were seated at my parents table, amongst our family. They have been divorced for 20+ years, have both remarried--oh, and he happens to be my Dad's best friend. He has remained in my life & he genuinely cares about me. He gave us a very generous wedding gift & wrote in our card that I was his favorite niece & that I would always be his #1, despite the fact that he hadn't really been my Uncle for most of my life. I totally disagree--he's my Uncle. Nuff said on that.

She also confirmed to Mom more of what we already knew--that she was upset that she wasn't asked to do a reading in the wedding. She wanted to be more involved, etc.

I asked Mom not to engage her in an argument/conversation--just tell the truth that I'm not coming to her house on Christmas Eve. She was upset & said that it wouldn't be the same without me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Mom & I had already had a laugh about that in fact. I told her it was going to be a pitiful party without me & The Scientist...just Mom, Dad, Granny, Papaw, my Aunt & her hubby sitting around staring at each other. The Scientist & I breathe life into a family with so many secrets & skeletons.

I'm told my Aunt will call me tonight to tell me that she wants me to come to Christmas, etc. She believes we need to have a conversation. I struggle with getting a handle on my rebuttle...because I have one for every excuse she makes. Its like I said in the other post--don't call me because its Christmas & our family is obviously fractured. Call me because you mean it & sincerely want to make this right.

The right thing to do is to go to her house...It would be the best thing I could do for my parents & grandparents. I'm just not so sure that I can do it, no matter how much I want to.

On a holiday note, I've still got a couple of last minute things to get & nothing is wrapped. My house is an absolute pig sty, I need to go to the grocery to get stuff if in fact my family does come to my house after my Aunt's celebration. I'm not much in the holiday spirit, which is so not me. Maybe buying Rock Band will make me feel better?? To be determined.