forgiveness

Forgiveness if a funny thing, really. The Dalai Lama says that we must forgive but never forget....that we must withhold negative feelings towards those who have wronged us & that we cannot hold the weight of a grudge. He says that holding a grudge is unhealthy & will break us down...or something like that.

Mom talked to my Aunt today for about 3 hours. My aunt suspected that I was not going to be out of town & had told her husband that she thought I just wasn't coming to her house on Christmas Eve because of what had happened at the wedding. (shocking!) Her husband told her that she needed to talk to my mom about what the truth was...maybe she should've talked to me instead, but whatever. At least he encouraged her to talk to someone about it all. In the meantime, I told Mom that I refused to lie anymore & was essentially hurt by the fact that she continued to do so. I felt like she was protecting my Aunt & not standing up for what is right. Selfish on my part, probably.

So Mom talked to her today at work. She basically indicated that she has played the entire event out many times in her head & of course she said the oh so typical "if I could take it back I would, but I can't." Don't we all wish that we could have a re-do? Basically, she said that she was hurt that her ex husband & his wife were seated at my parents table, amongst our family. They have been divorced for 20+ years, have both remarried--oh, and he happens to be my Dad's best friend. He has remained in my life & he genuinely cares about me. He gave us a very generous wedding gift & wrote in our card that I was his favorite niece & that I would always be his #1, despite the fact that he hadn't really been my Uncle for most of my life. I totally disagree--he's my Uncle. Nuff said on that.

She also confirmed to Mom more of what we already knew--that she was upset that she wasn't asked to do a reading in the wedding. She wanted to be more involved, etc.

I asked Mom not to engage her in an argument/conversation--just tell the truth that I'm not coming to her house on Christmas Eve. She was upset & said that it wouldn't be the same without me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Mom & I had already had a laugh about that in fact. I told her it was going to be a pitiful party without me & The Scientist...just Mom, Dad, Granny, Papaw, my Aunt & her hubby sitting around staring at each other. The Scientist & I breathe life into a family with so many secrets & skeletons.

I'm told my Aunt will call me tonight to tell me that she wants me to come to Christmas, etc. She believes we need to have a conversation. I struggle with getting a handle on my rebuttle...because I have one for every excuse she makes. Its like I said in the other post--don't call me because its Christmas & our family is obviously fractured. Call me because you mean it & sincerely want to make this right.

The right thing to do is to go to her house...It would be the best thing I could do for my parents & grandparents. I'm just not so sure that I can do it, no matter how much I want to.

On a holiday note, I've still got a couple of last minute things to get & nothing is wrapped. My house is an absolute pig sty, I need to go to the grocery to get stuff if in fact my family does come to my house after my Aunt's celebration. I'm not much in the holiday spirit, which is so not me. Maybe buying Rock Band will make me feel better?? To be determined.

What the frick?!

So I went back & took a look at my long neglected blog and saw that a bunch of my posts were out of order with the wrong dates. According to me, Obama was inaugurated way back in 2008..crazy stuff. So here I am again..starting fresh..again.

I felt oddly compelled to blog something today...maybe its because I've read about the trials of Skinnybeard & facebook..more likely the fact that I'm in the middle of a huge family drama that causes me to have nightmares & provides me with many sleepless nights. Maybe I'll feel better if I type it & send it out into the oblivion. I don't think anyone reads this anyway so here goes...

I never thought I would say this but I'm currently estranged from my aunt. My mom's only sister. My maternal family is small--me, Mom, Dad, Aunt Brenda, her husband Fred, & my grandparents. I am the only child & only grandchild. Of course I have The Scientist now, but we're still a small group. It happened on the most wonderful night of my life--March 28,2009--the day I married The Scientist. The short of it is that for reasons still unknown to me (9months later), my Aunt left my wedding reception basically before it began and I've only spoken to a couple of times since. There's a lot of "he said, she said" going on about what happened but I'll tell you what I know & what I saw.

The seating at our wedding was a colossal screwup. The tables in the back of the room were flipped..so those who were supposed to be in the tables closest to the stairs were actually sitting at the back of the room & vice versa. I had a bridemaid all the way in the back of the room (sorry Karen!). When The Scientist & I were announced & entered the reception, I saw my Mom standing with my Aunt & Uncle near the cake. I went over & asked them why they weren't in their seats. Mom said that there had been a mix up with the seating. One glance & I immediately knew the problem. My great Uncle & his children were sitting in my Aunt's seats. In the meantime, someone else had gotten up from their table & filled those empty seats so that they could sit with the family that was seated at that table with my great Uncle. My wedding planner was all over it & had offered my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins 2 other seating options but they refused to sit. Unfortunately, one of those options was at my parent's table which was occupied by Dad's best friend, my Aunt's ex-husband. There were 6 empty seats at the table next to the cake so I offered those to my Aunt & again, she refused. When I asked where my 2 cousins were, my Aunt told me that Nancy had a bit too much to drink & was upset about not having a seat so she was in the lobby. We cut our cake & were seated at our table for dinner.

The captain's call came out for dinner & we went out into the lobby. I saw my Uncle standing at the top of the steps to the 20th Century's VIP lounge with my cousin. I heard my cousin say, "well I don't know Fred, she's your neice." I started up the steps but my husband said no, its not our problem, etc. When we sat back down for dinner, I looked around & saw that my parents, Aunt, Uncle & cousins were nowhere to be found. I immediately felt queasy & told my friends that I was going to walk around & mingle with folks during dinner. I took my glass of champagne & headed straight out into the lobby where I found my mother looking very pained. I asked where my Aunt was & Mom told me that she was taking Nancy home but that she & Fred would be back. Nancy & her daughter had come in from KY & were staying at my Aunt's house in Indiana, more than an hour's drive from the Theatre. I knew immediately that this was a lie & that my Aunt had left. I burst into tears & had to be calmed down in the VIP lounge. I honestly cannot describe what an overwhelming, awful feeling that was. I have since found out that my Dad was outside trying to get my Aunt to come back inside & all the while she is outside crying & throwing a fit. She was belligerent to my wedding planner & was standing outside crying with multiple people coming outside to talk her down. It was childish, petty, rude & most of all--SELFISH.

To avoid a painfully long post I will say this--my Aunt has never apologized or acknowledged to me what she did. In fact, she's done just about everything that she can to paint herself out to be a victim. In true maternal family fashion, she, along with Mom & Granny, have taken the stance that if we just ignore it, it will go away. Well, guess what everyone? It hasn't.

So here I sit, 3 days before our family's celebration with a deep, burning feeling in my belly. I'm not going to her house to celebrate with my family. The insanity of it is that to protect her, they've all lied to her & told her that I'm going to Hodgenville to be with The Scientist's family. My mom has made peace with her & I have to really fight the urge to think of Mom as a sort of Benedict Arnold. I've never wanted her to choose sides but at the same time, I want her to fight for me. She's my Mom, ya know?! So it hurts to see that she's protecting my Aunt, instead of telling her to apologize or acknowledge it & end all of this. I have one champion--my Dad. He & I talked about the incident for the first time last week & it was very interesting to hear his perspective on the situation. He's a wise dude & probably the most level headed man I've ever met. I take what he tells me very seriously. He wants me to get over it, grin & bear it for the sake of my aging grandparents but at the same time, he gets exactly why I have made the choice that I have. He. Totally. Gets. It.

So it sounds like my family will go to her house during the day & then come to my house in the evening (their choice, their plan). Dad says he's not going to bring it up but he's also not going to lie..if it comes up that I'm actually still in town, he's going to tell her that I'm hurt & pissed off. Again, its 3 days before & they've still not told my Papaw that we're doing this...its kind of sad how this family communicates & handles problems.

I have had more than 1 nightmare about my Aunt, where I wake up in a sweat or feeling sick to my stomach....and I've internalized so much of this, its hard to even articulate it..except what I know is that I'm sitting here right now, alone in my office, crying as I type this.

At what point do you give in (or give up) when you feel so very strongly about something but when you've known all along that you're never really going to change that person? Oh, and I keep waiting for the call--when she calls to say that I can't miss Christmas Eve (the first time in my life) & makes a half hearted, insincere apology, just to keep the peace with my grandparents. Is it too much to say that I want it MY way?